Shame

Our culture in the United States teaches us–either directly or indirectly– that 1) there are good people who are not capable of causing harm and there are bad people who are capable of causing harm, and 2) good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. Such dualistic thinking creates a culture of shame, wherein we are led to believe that our worthiness as human beings can be equated with the things we have done and the things that have happened to us. So, when we make a mistake and cause harm to another person, shame tells us “I am bad.” When something harmful happens to us, shame tells us “I deserve this.” Shame can even get in the way of enjoying when good things happen, telling us “I don’t deserve this, I’m unworthy.” The truth is, we are all flawed human beings who are totally capable of causing harm and being harmed, and we are all worthy of love and belonging. 

There is a popular assumption that shame can be helpful by motivating people to change their behaviors. Brené Brown, a shame researcher, shows that the opposite is true. Shame is not helpful because it focuses on the self; asserting that there is something inherently wrong with us and therefore behavior change is seen as helpless. Guilt on the other hand, focuses on behavior. Unlike shame, which says “I am bad,” guilt says “I did something bad,” empowering us to take accountability for our behaviors in a way that doesn’t threaten our innate worthiness. 

Shame can feel intensely painful and can significantly damage a person’s self-esteem, trapping them in silence, secrecy, and scarcity. Working with a therapist using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy can be an empowering way to address shame and bring it back down to size. Naming shame and meeting it with empathy can diminish the power it may hold on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors; as Brené Brown says, “shame hates having words wrapped around it.”